Time to Change.

During all this that has happened I realized I should focus on my health. I am overweight and a smoker (shame on me, I know). First I am going to cut out soda and sweets. I am also going to start walking again. It was easier when I lived in town but now I am on a mountain but that just gives me more of a challenge. I will start some stop smoking aids because I cant do it by myself (already tried a few times). So this is me now and I want to be a different person this time next year!

The Fear.

Today was possibly the worst day of my life. My (soon to be ex) husband was in a car accident with our daughter in the car. I am mad because it should not have happened. My husband has a suspended license so he has no business driving anyways. So when was going down a gravel road, heading back to his moms house, he said a cow came out of no where so he slammed on the brakes and hit a tree and almost flipped the car. Now if he was going a safe speed on that gravel road he should not have to slam on the brakes. If he was going a safe speed and was paying attention he would have saw the cow and slowed down at a safe pace and would not have hit the tree. And how he didn't go to jail is beyond me.
 I have once again lost all trust in him after him lying to me about drinking. After him lying to me for months about his sobriety. I think it is time to leave him for good. I know I wont get any child support for him because he doesn't pay child support for his first kid with another woman that he had before we got together. That should have been a sign but he was already married and pregnant when he got served the papers.
I am just happy that my daughter is okay. She came out with just a belt burn on her neck from her car seat. The is no fear like when you hear your child was in an accident. My heart dropped into my stomach when he told me what had happened and it took me almost a hour to get to her because they live in the next town over.
I feel like keeping her away from him because I am so scared of her getting hurt while in his care. I'm so scared of something happening much worse than what had happened today. I must do what is best for her and what will keep her safe. I wont let him keep her for a couple of nights anymore but when I am in town I will let him come to where we are so he can see her.
He hasn't even called to see how she is but that is also because he knows how mad I am at him right now. We will just have to go on from here.

Depression.

I have been so depressed here lately. To be real I am not happy with my marriage. My husband got drunk the other night and while I was driving tried to wreck the car by grabbing the wheel 3 times no our child wasn't in the car while this hapened. I did the smart thing and left him. I love him but not like I used to. Maybe it’s only because we have a kid together that I still have feelings about him or maybe one day he will change. He has agreed to go to a Christian based rehab to work on our marriage and stay with me but how can I get over this. I have so much emotional pain from him. Over the years there has been drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and emotional abuse. I am grateful that he hasn’t hit me but sometimes I think it would have been less painful. When he lost his job I did everything supporting our little family and he had the nerve to call me the “B” word. That word just sends me off the wall. To be in most recent events he got in trouble for being at someone’s house and now has conspiracy charges. Maybe this could be my easy way out, but where I still have love for him I don’t want to leave him all alone while he is in jail or prison for however long he is sentenced. I am at such a crossroads.

Day 1

Well since this is my first blog I will give some back story. I work with individuals that have intellectual disabilities and my client has been violent here lately. So we had a meeting and it ended with the clients’ mother walking out crying and my manager putting in her 30 day notice. That escalated quickly, lol. But anywho I wasn’t even at work for two hours before the girl on third shift called out with this crazy story of some drug peddling friend of her mother got arrested and she found out she had the title to one of her cars and forged my co-workers signature to get it put in her name. Don’t really know how much of that story is true but we went along with it so I had to work two different shifts in one day first one was 7 am until 3 pm then I had to come back in at midnight and I am here until 7 in the morning. Oh what fun! Jk. I am missing my daughter like crazy, she is at my mother’s house spending time with Gammy and PopPop.  She absolutely adorable, and I know every parent says that because every baby is beautiful. Except for my grandmothers friend, when she saw her son she thought it was the wrong baby because (and I am using her exact words here) he was too ugly. Yea…messed up, right? There is just about the weirdest video in MTV Cloudland right now called “Slash dot Slash”. It makes no since and it is so repetitive I am ready to smack my face into a wall. What happened to the old MTV? What happened to music? It used to be beautiful. Like my favorite song and I listen to it every day is “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen and I sing ALL of it. I get strange looks sometimes going through town and I will be singing it at the top of my lungs and car dancing to it. I will have to record it one day so people know what living is really like with me, haha. Well jumping off here for now, gotta go back to work then today is date day with the hubby, lunch then a movie. Good day y’all J